I am a Christian “Single Mom” of 3 (Daughter 17, Sons 13 & 4), also an “At Home Mom” and home-schooled my oldest two from 2002’ – 12′ with an amazing charter school. My oldest boy is now in their Performing and Fine Arts high school academy and my little one is attending their elementary academy. As for my daughter, sadly all the years loving and raising her couldn’t prepare us for the sufferings dealing with her Oppositional Defiant Disorder, nor for the effects of her father reappearing after 15 years of abandonment and losing my Mom (her only known Gramma) to cancer on October 18th 2013. By May 14th 2014, God sent her to live with her father, giving me the strength to let her go.
Our family is forever changed.
I have been disabled for many years, thankfully realizing early on after being injured on the job in 1996 (low back – muscle/tissue damage and chronic pain), it wasn’t to punish me, but to save me from my own destruction. A life I was living, not of mine, but a sick and twisted life stuck with many broken souls, including myself.
As the years have past, many more disabilities were placed upon me during my dark moments, moments of weakness in faith & purpose. Years of a never ending cycle of ailments to add to my repertoire – herniated discs, degenerative disc disease, bursitis in hips, Guillain-Barre Syndrome, Hailey-Hailey Disease, nerve damage, carpel tunnel, fibromyalgia, and more. Still, not to punish me, but to grow in Christ, full-heartedly, not to be continuously lost – confused and alone, but to shape me for my purpose.
While adjusting to my disabilities, and enduring many losses along the way, one loss that begins my journey of heart wrenching self discovery way before the idea of a physical disability was when my grandma passed in 1991. I was disabled that awful day, not physically, but spiritually. This spiritual disability plagued me for many years. It was deep inside, crippling my very being, breaking me down silently over 10 years.
I had no idea I was spiritually dying, still after all this time I had been seeking God, opening my eyes to his graces, I have been walking with Christ, though I thought. I know I believed in Christ, I knew he loved me and died and rose for me, for my eternity. What I didn’t know is; I was still being crippled spiritually for 10 more years, I hadn’t fully opened my heart as I was making my way back to Him.
As I ponder this reality, that I was dying spiritually, crippled in my faith, yet going to church, instilling good values in my kids, teaching them about God – the commandments and how others in the world are not all living with God and many people didn’t make the wisest choices, including ourselves. All my efforts guiding my kids through life lessons, loving them unconditionally, caring for their every need, the sacrifices I make daily, my blunders in parenting that I gracefully admitted & sought help for – just wasn’t enough. I fell short, so many times – asking my Mom and friends for guidance – then asking God to hear my pleas. Sadly, my constant struggles with my daughter, my chaos and scattered life began to define me – broken marriage, uncontrollable child, disabled single mom on Medi-Cal & food stamps, lost my home, had a third child (second out of wedlock), applying for SSI, my belongings stuck in storage, my Mom now had cancer and I moved in to my parents house with my 3 kids March 2010 to escape homelessness and care for my Mom.
Is this it? Was this what my life was destined to be? This crazy messy life of mine, constantly longing for something I couldn’t have. . . Peace, Love, Joy, Health & Security? What am I missing, what can’t I see? Is this my calling from God, or does he desire more from me?
For many years, I had seen families/friends at church and their children raised in the church, I see the differences, what we didn’t have. What I hadn’t experienced as young child. A life fully focused, focused on what it meant, what it truly meant for God to love me, my children and everyone in this world. Question was, how do I get there, there in that place where they are, to find what is missing in my life, in our lives. How full my life/our lives would be to be deeply, in HIS Love. Not in love with a mere man, that could only hurt and disappoint me/us, but to be loved unconditionally, to have God’s perfect love.
What would it take for me to wake up spiritually, to strip away the debilitating disability in my soul?
It wasn’t a horrible lifestyle that woke me completely, or many failed attempts at Love, a troubled child for 14 years, it wasn’t even the numerous physical disabilities stacked one on top of the other. The very thing that broke me, the event that changed my life forever, the one moment in time that would open my eyes to my spiritual disabilities was the loss of my Mom, my best friend. It took the unthinkable to wake me up fully, not just lukewarm Christianity, but all encompassing passion for Christ, my spirit opened straight to God. The longing I have always had for someone to love me, to complete me. It wasn’t in a mere man, it was in God and God alone that I can achieve this Love I have longed for all my life. It was by surrendering fully to God, no questions asked. Surrendering like this was foreign to me, something I think is foreign for many of us.
I’m finally here, spiritually becoming stronger everyday, acknowledging how spiritless I was, even though I was a Christian, loving Christ. I may have loved him, but I wasn’t “in Love” with him. How could I be, no one wanted to love me enough to stay and walk with God by my side. I had to realize that I hadn’t been walking by God’s side full-heartedly, I was steps behind, stopping taking breathers, instead of asking God to be my breath of life, to walk next to me and then to carry me.
I am now being carried every day, knowing I can’t do anything alone and on my own. However, I can do everything with Him, in Him and for Him.
I’m finally, joyfully seeing “God’s Grace” in the midst of my turmoil “whirlwinds”. My heart and hands open wide for God’s love.
UPDATE! Through God’s grace, power, and love; my continued hope, faith, and love – my family has been reunited. My baby girl was sent back home after 10 months, 8 of which she was not allowed to come home until God wanted her home 2 weeks for Christmas. Then my prodigal daughter, given back to me after I fully released baggage centered around my kids, God moved mountains in our relationship and the future with my boys! All in God’s perfect timing, healing us along the way. Moving mountains!
During those 10 months away from my daughter, my relationship with God, grew and grew, beyond my imagination – having been called to serve Him in women’s ministry, as a women’s bible study host through Adventure Christian Church – Natomas, has brought me here with you, more in-depth posts to follow, soon!
It is truly amazing seeing, hearing & experiencing God’s power, never ending grace and everlasting love. Real-life answered prayers in so much brokenness, my whirlwinds, “Whirlwinds of Grace” to share His Love.